Saturday, March 31, 2012

so g-d m-f READY

so.
many.
freaking.
FEELINGS.

ever just feel... antsy?
at 12:19 am? on a saturday?
staring into space, staring at your fingernails (one out of 10 is green, the others pink), shaking your leg with nervous energy, just wondering...
pondering,
what's next?

i want something GOOD.
i want something i can sink my teeth into,
that feels nice and cool when i swallow it, and then
satiates me.
i don't want another
god damn mother fucking
"transition."

what is a transition
but wasted time?
or time spent waiting?
the clock still fucking ticks
while you wait,
and your time falls off
bit by bit.

i want my LIFE to take off...
the energy is boiling,

it just needs to know
where to go.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

talk in a bookstore

So I followed my boyfriend down to Melbourne, Fla., for a business trip. He works on software for a satellite company, and the area of Florida Melbourne is in is called the "Space Coast" because it's not too far from Kennedy Space Center, and a lot of space companies are still out there, though Kennedy is a lot less active. So for him, it was some important work with some important clients. For me, it was several days of walking miles down the beach, dipping my toes into the pool and enjoying the niceties of Southern culture ("Hey there, how ya doin'?") I'd forgotten a little about since moving up North.

One of the gems of my trip was a small bookstore called Patrick Paperbacks. I was on the hunt for a used bookshop and it popped up on Yelp! as only a couple miles' walk from our hotel, so I went for it one afternoon. I started walking down the sidewalk along the highway, where the 85 degree weather caused quick sweating and a quick lightbulb -- walk down the beach, dummy! Two miles, few people out, mostly retirees getting in their (inspiring) workouts, a cool ocean breeze and checking out the most interesting looking jellyfish I'd ever seen in nature -- an electric blue with carnation-pink streaks -- well, I'd do that every day.

Wasn't sure what to think from the outside -- it was part of a little, pretty deserted-looking shopping strip -- but once I was inside I knew I was in for something good. A slightly disheveled but pleasant looking woman, who I learned later is named Elva, was behind a desk that was completely and totally swamped in random newspapers, books, magazines and fliers. My kinda desk. I had no idea where to start amongst the many overflowing bookshelves, and she could sense my confusion quickly. "First time?" she asked, then gave me the lowdown -- 50 percent off used books, 20 percent off their small collection of new. I'll take it.

Course I buzzed right to the fiction section, and was delighted to find quite a selection, a nice mix of contemporary stuff mixed in with some classics. Picked up two books I'd noticed a lot on "recommended" bookshelves in the past couple years, "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro and "Empire Falls" by Richard Russo (a Pulitzer winner). I walked up to the counter and Elva asked me what I'd thought of her shop. "You have a great selection," I said. "And I shop a lot of used bookstores."

"Oh, thank you!" she said, then added how the past couple years have been difficult for business. "I could imagine," I said. She rang up my choices and approved each one. "I'm glad you're supporting independent bookstores," she said.

"Yeah, I usually go to Barnes and Noble for my research on what's popular, then come to used bookstores to buy what I like," I said.

Instantly her face tightened. "Oh no! Don't say that!" she said. Then she said what would later prove a kind of revelation: "Don't go to Barnes and Noble for your research. Don't let the big corporations tell you what to read! Get that advice from your independent stores." She then handed me a pamphlet with the March 2012 recommendations from an organization called IndieBound.

I thanked her and walked off, mulling over my new thoughts. I'd always thought I was being clever by going into the mainstream bookstores and seeing what was on the display tables, then buying my choices at indie stores. I thought it was a way of sort of sticking it to the man. I didn't even stop to think that I was letting the man stick it to ME by telling me what I should be reading.

Looking over the Indie Bound pamphlet, I see a couple titles I've heard of, but the majority are ones that have never crossed my radar -- and probably never would otherwise. I'm going to take Elva's advice a bit and step up my support for local bookstores. After all, I want to be a published writer someday, and odds are stores like Patrick and groups like IndieBound will be my main support -- not the New York Times bestsellers list.

look who's baaaaccckkk!!

i don't wanna start into a whole hubbub about why i've started blogging again. i just wanna start doing it again. i now have an abundance of time, and with that, a fortunate abundance of thoughts. they can be unfortunate, though, crowding, if you don't write them down. so here goes. i'm back!